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Enabling Others

November 21, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“A person who is acting out self destructively has no reason to change if they do not ever suffer major consequences for their behavior. If they are rescued from consequences, they are enabled to continue practicing their addiction.”
—Robert Burney

Enabling is often referred to as behaviors that rescue and allow alcoholics and addicts to continue their behavior without suffering the consequences. But beyond that it also relates to rescuing those who are involved in other self-destructive behaviors such as: gambling, eating disorders, the inability to keep a job, relationship addictions or having affairs, and anything else that is destructive to a person.

I’ve had experience as a full-fledged enabler of an alcoholic having lived with one for several years. It seemed at the time the best route was to let this person drink and just pick up the pieces as they fell. I took care of things to avoid problems and even called every day to ensure they would not be late for work. But with time my self-esteem was crushed and I suffered from depression and had to leave. Enabling did not save the relationship. It just delayed the loss of the relationship a few years.

We really don’t do anybody any favors when we enable an addiction or any unhealthy behavior. If we allow a bigot or male chauvinist to constantly trash talk whoever they have issues against, we are enabling. Someone who is a bigot is probably not going to change just because we tell them not to say things around us, but at least our side of the street is clean on the issue.

We are not in charge of other people’s lives. It is not always our place to voice our concerns over another’s behavior. However, it is our issue when we are in the presence of someone, or in a relationship with someone, who is carrying out actions for which we don’t approve. To say nothing is enabling. Whether or not they heed our warning is their issue, but it’s also in our best interest to walk away if the behavior does not change. We ought to not hang around for the rescue when their world comes crashing down. If we do then we are just as much a part of the wrongdoing as they are.

Enabling hurts you when you do it as well as the one you think you are helping.

Posted in Consequences, Enabling | 1 Comment »

Feeling Anger

November 17, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“It’s okay for me to be angry today. It’s growful, if I use it for good.”
—Unknown

Feeling anger, just like every other emotion, is how we move through and past it. We can no more push anger down and hide it and then expect to be okay than we can just snap out of depression.

Anger can be a catalyst for change. When we feel anger it is a signal that things are not as they need to be for us. Sometimes we can do something about the cause of our anger, and at other times we can simply walk away from the cause of it.

When we do nothing about our anger it can be turned inward and thus affect our lives in a negative way. It affects our behaviors and carries from the thing that caused us anger to the person or situation that did not cause it. How we deal with anger is important.

When we are angry with another person the best thing we can do is be direct and tell them why we are angry. What we don’t want to do is curse at them or call them names. Most people will allow us to be angry, but they will not listen to us when we treat them with disrespect.

If someone does us wrong, the conflict will be resolved much easier the sooner we deal with it. Usually if we let things build up it will make us angrier and when we are direct about our anger sooner things are easier to resolve.

When we encounter anger and it’s an issue that we have no resolution for, we must find an outlet for that anger through exercise or some way that doesn’t hurt others. There is not always resolution for conflict, especially if the other person has power over us at work or in some other situation.

Taking care of ourselves includes feeling and releasing our anger. It’s okay to be angry, it’s just wise to use it in a way that helps us and not hurts us.

Anger may not be the most wonderful feeling, but it needs to be felt and dealt with for healthy well-being.

Posted in Anger, Feelings | 1 Comment »

Rescue Yourself

November 13, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“Stop waiting to be rescued. Rescue yourself.”
—Bobbi Kahler

Waiting to be rescued can become a habit for many. Some people have no idea how to take care of self so they always know that there’s a safety net to pick up the pieces (the bills, the depression, neediness, etc.).

There are those who believe that eventually the perfect person will come along and rescue them from the mess of a life they have woven. But the reality is there is not someone out there just waiting to rescue us.

These people tend to go from one relationship to another for fear of being alone. They are so desperate to be with another they latch on to someone, often before they finish with the one before. Carrying baggage from one relationship into another without taking time to heal is never a good idea.

Instead of dreaming of prince charming or princess compassion, we need to learn first to take care of ourselves. Thinking that having the perfect someone in our lives will suddenly make us live happily ever after is a pipe dream.

At times in our lives we must take risks, it is part of how we move forward and grow. However, we need to be there for ourselves if we fail. It’s always okay to garner support from friends and family, but if we continue to do things that are not healthy we cannot expect people to be there forever to listen to us yet again.

Loved ones are not there to rescue us. They are there to love us and support us and to help us grow and learn. When we learn to live our lives in a healthy way, when we love ourselves enough, we won’t get in positions requiring rescues.

Learn to love yourself and you will not need to be rescued.

Posted in Self-love, Taking Care of Self | 2 Comments »

Being True to Your Self

November 9, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“You can be pleased with nothing when you are not pleased with yourself.”
—Mary Wortley Montagu

Being true to our self may be one of the most difficult things we do. There seems to be so many demands on us from family, work, volunteerism, church, and all of the many relationships we have.

With all of the things and people we have in our lives there are many and various pulls; things that one person may want that contrasts what someone else wants us to be or do, and most importantly demands that go against our core values.

Being true to self means that sometimes we have to say what others don’t want to hear. It means we have to stop people pleasing. We cannot be true to our self and always give others what they want. Sometimes being true to our self means that we can no longer be in relationships that cause us too much strain against who we are and what we believe.

If we simply do something or stay in a relationship to please the other person it’s doomed in the long run anyway. It will also erode our self-image if we continually go against what we need to do and give in to the demands of others.

Being true to our self is one way we get to know who we are. We clearly can’t define who we are when we are constantly answering to others despite what we want to do and what is right. If others cannot understand our values and insist that we live theirs, we don’t have to mold our self into who they want us to be.

If we look at ourselves honestly and find that we have some defects of character, we can overcome those. This is not to advocate being who we are when that’s not a good thing. Instead it’s about loving our self and doing the things we know to be right. It’s also about having the ability to say no when that is needed. It is about following our own path and not that of someone else, or one that is chosen for us by some other person.

Follow what you know is right for you and own your mistakes as well as your successes.

Posted in Doing Right, Self-love, Taking Care of Self | 1 Comment »

Good Energy

November 4, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“Our mental and emotional diets determine our overall energy levels, health and well-being more than we realize. Every thought and feeling, no matter how big or small, impacts our inner energy reserves.”
—Doc Childre

Who we spend time with, how we use our time, and what we think about are what affects a great portion of our lives. If we control others or let them control us we suffer. When we spend time with people who have negative outlooks or gossip constantly, we’ll walk away from each encounter feeling down and icky.

We can spend time on positive things: reading uplifting books, helping others, meditating, praying, or exercising. In doing these things we will not only have more energy, but we’ll feel better mentally and physically.

Stress and negativity bring us down and zap our energy. Just recall when you’ve spent time with someone whose life is full of drama, or someone who talks bad about everyone they can think of. How do you feel when you walk away from that? Then think about times when you’ve been around someone who is full of joy, or think of a time when you did volunteer work. You most likely walked away from those interactions with a smile on your face and a song in your heart.

We can choose who we spend time with in our free moments. And in those times when we are close to negativity because of work or some other obligation, we can choose how much of that to take on us and with us.

When given a choice to involve our time in negative or positive thoughts and energy, choosing the positive will go a long way in keeping us healthy mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Take the high road when given a choice and you will find life easier and lighter.

Posted in Emotions, Energy, Gossip, Negativity | 2 Comments »

Personal Wisdom

October 31, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves.”
—Francois De La Rochefoucauld

Having the answers and wisdom for others does not always correlate to having wisdom for our own lives.

I’m a proponent of asking for help when we need it. It’s a sign of strength to be able to admit when we need help and to seek it from whatever source we find is best at the time. Therapists, friends, ministers, priests, sponsors, and family members may each hold that certain piece of wisdom that we need in any given moment to find our way.

But as much as I believe in asking for help, I also know that most of us have a lot of our own wisdom, we just choose not to follow it because something else takes precedence over it: urges, emotions, neediness, etc. We may seek short-term pleasure when we know that what we are about to do is not right for us, but we do it anyway.

It’s often so easy to tell a loved one exactly what it best for them to do, and often very difficult to follow that same logic in our own lives. But usually once we reach a certain point in our lives we have plenty of knowledge and wisdom.

Every experience including every painful event, as well those things which brought us happiness, have taught us something and we have gleaned at least a bit of wisdom. Of course, some lessons are much more difficult to get than others so we have to be taught over a few times, but we do eventually get most things.

If we could rely on our personal wisdom and trust ourselves as much as we want to give advice and have others trust us, we would find our lives flowing a lot more smoothly. Sometimes we may need to stop what we are doing and view what we are about to do as if we were watching a friend. Then we can follow the advice we would give that friend. Most of the time we know what is the right thing.

Use your wisdom for yourself as often as you share it with others.

Posted in Asking for help, Doing Right, Wisdom | 1 Comment »

Procrastination

October 28, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“If you want to make an easy job seem mighty hard, just keep putting off doing it.” 
—Olin Miller

Procrastination is one of the most difficult things to understand and stop because it often becomes a habit. Usually when we need to change a bad habit we have to replace it with a good habit.

We don’t procrastinate about things we love to do, of course, so it is those things we don’t want to do that we put off. The delay in doing is usually worse for us than the actual doing of the duty. And once we do that thing we dread, the thing we procrastinate over, we feel better. So why not just do it rather than put it off?

According to Harold Taylor, “procrastination is the intentional and habitual postponement of an important task that should be done now.” If it’s intentional we may have to do some soul searching to figure out why certain tasks always get pushed back on our agenda.

It seems that the easier life becomes with all of the gadgets and tools we have, the more readily we find places to occupy our time and things that help us procrastinate. Checking e-mail or surfing the Web can be a problem if we find ourselves spending hours at a time online when we intended to and needed to do something more urgent and necessary.

When we identify those things that we procrastinate over, we should begin to create a good habit by doing those things first. Once we get them out of the way the rest of our day is a breeze and we don’t have to worry about and dread that task.

For some people making a to-do list helps get all tasks done rather than always leaving the dreaded ones undone. On the to-do list there might also need to be a reminder not to get distracted by whatever it is that pulls us away from our tasks. For some that is surfing the Internet, for others it’s standing around the proverbial water cooler for a chat about the latest football game or upcoming election. We can start to set limits on ourselves for those activities which help us procrastinate and use that time to finish the project we avoid.

When you stop procrastinating you will actually have more time to have fun.

Posted in Habits, Procrastination | No Comments »

Difficult Times

October 25, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees opportunity in every difficulty.”
—Winston Churchill

Times of difficulty may challenge our inner core. They may cause us to lose faith in God and everything else we believe in. When difficulties continue, when we can see no end in sight, it is very easy to fall into not only a pessimistic viewpoint of the world, but also we can find ourselves falling into depression.

Trying times can be dealt with even when it seems there is no solution. The first thing we can do is take things one at a time. We can take each moment and each day at a time and not put the whole world and all of our issues on our shoulders at once.

If we continue to seek something and we can’t quite grasp it, perhaps a job or relationship, we may need to really think about things and see if we are causing our own failures.

If, for instance, we have been seeking employment for an extended period of time, but we cannot seem to get hired, even when we are qualified and get interviews, there is something going on that is in our control. Is it something we are not being truthful about on our resume that is picked up on in the interview? Or maybe we push too hard and say what we think the interviewer wants us to say, whether it’s what we really believe?

If we continue to run into walls, in whatever we are attempting and failing at, we may need to seek advice from a trusted friend. We can keep spinning our wheels and insisting the problem lies outside of us, or we can look within and see if we are causing our own stumbling blocks in life.

Some difficulties are things that are not in our control. If the economy is bad there’s little we can do about the cost of necessities, but we can control our spending on things that we just do not need.

When faced with hard times, it is important to reach out for help from those we trust. We don’t have to face everything alone, and often others can see things that we just cannot see when we are in the midst of difficulty. Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. Whining about how bad things are is not asking for help.

When we seek help from someone it’s important to be completely honest and not withhold certain information. If we truly want help we can’t expect someone to be there if we cannot be honest.

Difficult times happen to everyone, it’s your choice how you deal with it.

Posted in Asking for help, Challenges, Failure, Success | No Comments »

True Friends

October 21, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.”
—Robert Edwards

Often people will say that trust is the most important thing about friendship. We trust that when we divulge our deepest darkest secrets that the friend won’t divulge it to the world. We hope that our friends will always be there for us when we’re down, and that they can and will celebrate our victories too.

And if we truly want someone who we can trust and who is a true friend, we will hope that when we are about to make a big mistake they will let us know. Sometimes we aren’t able to see what we are doing because of emotions. And maybe our friend has some wisdom because they have followed a similar path that led to destruction or have witnessed it at some point.

It may sting to be told the truth. And we may feel it’s none of their business what we do, but in the long run we will be grateful for a friend who is honest enough to risk our friendship by telling us what we don’t want to hear.

If someone tries to dissuade us from doing something healthy and good because they are jealous, we’ll know the difference. It’s a true friend who will let us know when we are on a path that is destructive. If we stop and think about the fact that by telling us what we don’t want to hear they know that we may be angry and that they can lose our friendship, we will eventually see that it’s done from a place of love and not anything else.

A true friend will be there in good and bad times. A true friend will only get in our way when they know they have to stop us if they can from making a huge mistake. A true friend will allow us time to be angry when we don’t like what they told us. A true friend will risk our friendship when they feel it is necessary to keep us from falling.

If you have a friend who can be honest with you, keep that friend close.

Posted in Relationships, Wisdom | 2 Comments »

Sense of Self

October 18, 2008 by Barb Kampbell

“Part of having a strong sense of self is to be accountable for one’s actions. No matter how much we explore motives or lack of motives, we are what we do.”
—Janet Geringer Woititz

Excuses and blame are often what we use to explain away our indiscretions. However, when we know who we are and choose our actions well we most often do the right thing and when we don’t we are able to say so.

It’s really not possible to live our lives making decisions and taking action out of a place of good judgment if we haven’t first learned who we are, how we operate, and why we do things we do. When we have learned these things about ourselves, and only then, are we able to control our behaviors and stop the patterns of failures.

It sounds simpler than it is. Most of us who are recovering from various things need at least a little help. Often it takes many hours in therapy to learn these things about ourselves. When we know what makes us tick we can better control things that are ours to control and not try to control those things we can’t.

In addition, we are able to set boundaries with others when we know what our boundaries are. We know when to say no and when to say yes. We know which behaviors from others we cannot tolerate and are able to say so when they occur. We are accountable for ourselves and we don’t place blame on anyone or anything unless there really is a reason.

Getting to really know ourselves can be painful at times. There may be things that happened to us in our childhood that spun us into some negative behaviors as adults. But to continue to blame adult behaviors on childhood events is not how we learn better behavior. We can work through our issues and come out stronger on the other side.

None of us is perfect, and nobody reaches that status, but growth comes with work and life runs more smoothly.

Get to know what makes you tick and you’ll find ways to do things differently that have been problems in your life.

Posted in Blame, Boundaries, Recovery Tools, Self-image, Taking Care of Self | 1 Comment »

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